Empowering Conversations with Your Child It is important that parents intentionally converse with their children about the youth sports experience. However, too often that means the parents talk and the child listens; it’s better when children also talk and parents also listen. Here are more suggestions about engaging your children in a conversation about sports.
Establish Your Goal – A Conversation Among Equals.Remind yourself that the youth sports experience belongs to your child, not to you. Your goal is to convey support and unconditional love, not necessarily advice on how to become a better athlete.
Adopt a Tell-Me-More Attitude.Let your children know you really want to hear what they have to say, and then listen – even if you don’t agree with it or like it. Think of the conversation as an Olympic event with judges, where scoring a 10 depends on the child talking and the parent listening.
Use Open-Ended Questions.Some questions elicit one-word responses: "How was school today?" "Fine." Ask questions that require longer, more thoughtful responses. "What was the most enjoyable part of today’s practice?" or "What worked well in the game?" or "What did you learn that can help you in the future?"
Ask About Life-Lesson and Character Issues.For example: "Any thoughts on what you’ve learned in practice this week that might help you with other parts of your life?"
Show You Are Listening.Make it obvious you are paying attention through use of nonverbal actions such as making eye contact and nodding your head or making "listening noises" ("uh-huh…interesting," etc.).
Let Your Child Set the Terms.Forcing a conversation soon after competition, when emotions may still run high, is often less successful than waiting until your children indicate they are ready to talk. (Boys may take longer than girls to talk about an experience.) Open-ended questions may prompt more substantive conversations, but they need not always be lengthy to be effective. Defer to your children’s wishes for a brief discussion. Forcing longer conversations will lead to your children avoiding them. And don’t be afraid of silence. Stick with it and your child will open up to you.
Connect Through Activity.Playing a board game or tossing a ball around can allow space for children to share their thoughts and feelings. This is especially important for boys, who often resist a direct adult-style of conversation.
Enjoy.The most important reason to listen to your children with a tell-me-more attitude is because then they will want to talk to you, and as you all grow older, you will learn there is no greater gift than a child who enjoys conversations with you. For more PCA Tools for Parents, visit: www.positivecoach.org/our-tools www.positivecoach.org
15 Questions to Ask Your Child About School
Get Your Child Talking About His School Day
We all know the drill. You pick up your child from school or reconnect with him at the end of the day and ask the question: How was school today? The answer to this question is almost invariably "Fine." or "Good," neither of which open up the line of communication you're hoping for.
The trick to getting more information is to ask your child questions about his day at school that can't be answered with a monosyllable. Try one of these more open-ended questions as a way to get your child to talk about school.
15 Questions to Ask Your Child About School
What was your favorite part about school today?
What happened at school today that you would have liked to have gone differently?
Was your whole class there today? (Follow-up question: With so-and-so absent, did it change the way your class worked together?)
Was the test you were studying for as hard/easy as you thought it would be? What kind of questions were on it?
Who did you hang out with at recess today?
Who sat with you at lunch today?
Tell me one new thing you learned at school today and I'll tell you one thing I learned at work.
Who or what made you laugh today?
If your child has a behavior plan (these questions can be individualized for your child's plan): How much longer until you get to choose from the prize box? What did your chart look like today?
Did anyone get on the teacher's nerves today? How about on your nerves?
What's your favorite thing about your teacher?
What project are you working on in Art/Music class?
What skills are you working on in Physical Education?
What book(s) did you read today? Tell me a little bit about the characters.
What are you learning about in science/social studies/math?
Empowering Conversations with Your Child When we think about what makes people friends with each other, a number of things come to mind. For example, our friends like us and enjoy spending time with us, as we enjoy them. And what is it we mostly do when we are together with our friends? Mostly we talk and listen to each other. Conversations are the glue between people, the essential element in a strong relationship. Relationships wither without communication, and the very best form of communication is the conversation. Many parents fall into the trap of thinking that it is their job to talk and their child's to listen. Actually that's only half-right. It is also our job to listen and the child's job to talk. It's a wonderful thing when a parent and child can really talk to and hear each other. It is important that parents intentionally seek out conversations about sports with their athletes. Here are some suggestions for how to engage your child in a conversation about sports.
1. Establish Your Goal—A Conversation Among Equals: A conversation is something between equals. Kings didn't have conversations with their subjects. They told them what to do. Prepare yourself for a conversation with your child by reminding yourself that sports is her thing, not yours. Remember that you want to support her, to let her know that you are on her side. Your goal is not to give advice on how to become a better athlete. It should be to engage your child in a conversation among equals, one of whom (you!) is on the side of the other (her!).
2. Adopt a Tell-Me-More Attitude: Brenda Ueland penned one of the most important essays on relationships ever written, Tell Me More: "When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life." Adopt the attitude that you want your child to tell-you-more ("I really want to hear what you have to say."), and then listen to what he has to say—even if you don't agree with it or like it—and you will begin to tap into what Ueland calls the "little creative fountain" in your child. "If you are very tired, strained…this little fountain is muddied over and covered with a lot of debris…it is when people really listen to us, with quiet fascinated attention, that the little fountain begins to work again, to accelerate in the most surprising way." Think of your conversation with your child as an Olympic event with judges. A conversation that rates a 9 or a 10 is one in which the child does more talking and the parent more listening. Set your goal before you start, and go for it.
3. Listen! In many instances you may know exactly what your child can do to improve. However, this is a conversation, remember? Your goal is to get your child to talk about her sports experience, so ask rather than tell. Save your tellings for another time.
4. Use Open-Ended Questions: Some questions lend themselves to one-word responses. "How was school today?" "Fine." Your goal is to get your child to talk at length, so ask questions that will tend to elicit longer, more thoughtful responses. "What was the most enjoyable part of today's practice/game?" "What worked well?" "What didn't turn out so well?" "What did you learn that can help you in the future?" "Any thoughts on what you'd like to work on before the next game?" For more from Positive Coaching Alliance, visit www.positivecoach.org. Empowering Conversations with Your Child
5. Also ask about life-lesson and character issues: "Any thoughts on what you've learned in practice this week that might help you with other parts of your life?" Even if you saw the entire game, the goal is to get your child to talk about the game the way she saw it, not for you to tell her what she could have done better.
6. Show You Are Listening. Make it obvious to your child that you are paying attention through use of nonverbal actions such as making eye contact as he talks, nodding your head and making "listening noises" ("uh-huh," "hmmm," "interesting," etc.). Listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child! Ueland again: "Who are the people, for example, to whom you go for advice? Not to the hard, practical ones who can tell you exactly what to do, but to the listeners; that is, the kindest, least censorious, least bossy people that you know. It is because by pouring out your problem to them, you then know what to do about it yourself."
7. Let Your Child Set the Terms: William Pollack, MD, author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, notes that children have different "emotional schedules" that determine when they are ready to talk about an experience. Forcing a conversation right after a competition (when there may be a lot of emotion) is often less successful than waiting until the child gives an indication that he is ready to talk. Boys may take longer than girls to talk about an experience, so look for prompts that a child is ready. And conversations don't have to be lengthy to be effective. If your child wants a brief discussion, defer to his wishes. If he feels like every discussion about sports is going to be long, he'll likely begin to avoid them. And don't be afraid of silence. Stick with it and your child will open up to you.
8. Connect through activity. Sometimes the best way to spark a conversation is through an activity that your child enjoys. Playing a board game or putting a puzzle together can allow space for a child to volunteer thoughts and feelings about the game and how he performed. This is especially important for boys, who often resist a direct adult-style of conversation.
9. Enjoy: The most important reason why you should listen to your child with a tell-me-more attitude: Because then she will want to talk to you, and as she (and you) get older, you will find there is no greater gift than a
child who enjoys conversations with you.
Empowering Conversations with Your Child
It is important that parents intentionally converse with their children about the youth sports experience. However, too often that means the parents talk and the child listens; it’s better when children also talk and parents also listen. Here are more suggestions about engaging your children in a conversation about sports.
Establish Your Goal – A Conversation Among Equals. Remind yourself that the youth sports experience belongs to your child, not to you. Your goal is to convey support and unconditional love, not necessarily advice on how to become a better athlete.
Adopt a Tell-Me-More Attitude. Let your children know you really want to hear what they have to say, and then listen – even if you don’t agree with it or like it. Think of the conversation as an Olympic event with judges, where scoring a 10 depends on the child talking and the parent listening.
Use Open-Ended Questions. Some questions elicit one-word responses: "How was school today?" "Fine." Ask questions that require longer, more thoughtful responses. "What was the most enjoyable part of today’s practice?" or "What worked well in the game?" or "What did you learn that can help you in the future?"
Ask About Life-Lesson and Character Issues. For example: "Any thoughts on what you’ve learned in practice this week that might help you with other parts of your life?"
Show You Are Listening. Make it obvious you are paying attention through use of nonverbal actions such as making eye contact and nodding your head or making "listening noises" ("uh-huh…interesting," etc.).
Let Your Child Set the Terms. Forcing a conversation soon after competition, when emotions may still run high, is often less successful than waiting until your children indicate they are ready to talk. (Boys may take longer than girls to talk about an experience.) Open-ended questions may prompt more substantive conversations, but they need not always be lengthy to be effective. Defer to your children’s wishes for a brief discussion. Forcing longer conversations will lead to your children avoiding them. And don’t be afraid of silence. Stick with it and your child will open up to you.
Connect Through Activity. Playing a board game or tossing a ball around can allow space for children to share their thoughts and feelings. This is especially important for boys, who often resist a direct adult-style of conversation.
Enjoy. The most important reason to listen to your children with a tell-me-more attitude is because then they will want to talk to you, and as you all grow older, you will learn there is no greater gift than a child who enjoys conversations with you.
For more PCA Tools for Parents, visit: www.positivecoach.org/our-tools
www.positivecoach.org
15 Questions to Ask Your Child About School
Get Your Child Talking About His School Day
We all know the drill. You pick up your child from school or reconnect with him at the end of the day and ask the question: How was school today? The answer to this question is almost invariably "Fine." or "Good," neither of which open up the line of communication you're hoping for.
The trick to getting more information is to ask your child questions about his day at school that can't be answered with a monosyllable. Try one of these more open-ended questions as a way to get your child to talk about school.
15 Questions to Ask Your Child About School
Empowering Conversations with Your Child
When we think about what makes people friends with each other, a number of things come to mind. For
example, our friends like us and enjoy spending time with us, as we enjoy them. And what is it we mostly
do when we are together with our friends? Mostly we talk and listen to each other.
Conversations are the glue between people, the essential element in a strong relationship. Relationships
wither without communication, and the very best form of communication is the conversation. Many parents
fall into the trap of thinking that it is their job to talk and their child's to listen. Actually that's only half-right.
It is also our job to listen and the child's job to talk. It's a wonderful thing when a parent and child can
really talk to and hear each other.
It is important that parents intentionally seek out conversations about sports with their athletes. Here are
some suggestions for how to engage your child in a conversation about sports.
1. Establish Your Goal—A Conversation Among Equals: A conversation is something between equals.
Kings didn't have conversations with their subjects. They told them what to do. Prepare yourself for
a conversation with your child by reminding yourself that sports is her thing, not yours. Remember
that you want to support her, to let her know that you are on her side. Your goal is not to give advice
on how to become a better athlete. It should be to engage your child in a conversation among equals,
one of whom (you!) is on the side of the other (her!).
2. Adopt a Tell-Me-More Attitude: Brenda Ueland penned one of the most important essays on
relationships ever written, Tell Me More: "When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and
expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life."
Adopt the attitude that you want your child to tell-you-more ("I really want to hear what you have to
say."), and then listen to what he has to say—even if you don't agree with it or like it—and you will begin
to tap into what Ueland calls the "little creative fountain" in your child.
"If you are very tired, strained…this little fountain is muddied over and covered with a lot of debris…it is
when people really listen to us, with quiet fascinated attention, that the little fountain begins to work again,
to accelerate in the most surprising way."
Think of your conversation with your child as an Olympic event with judges. A conversation that rates a 9 or a
10 is one in which the child does more talking and the parent more listening. Set your goal before you start,
and go for it.
3. Listen! In many instances you may know exactly what your child can do to improve. However, this is a
conversation, remember? Your goal is to get your child to talk about her sports experience, so ask rather
than tell. Save your tellings for another time.
4. Use Open-Ended Questions: Some questions lend themselves to one-word responses. "How was school
today?" "Fine." Your goal is to get your child to talk at length, so ask questions that will tend to elicit
longer, more thoughtful responses.
"What was the most enjoyable part of today's practice/game?"
"What worked well?"
"What didn't turn out so well?"
"What did you learn that can help you in the future?"
"Any thoughts on what you'd like to work on before the next game?"
For more from Positive Coaching Alliance, visit www.positivecoach.org.
Empowering Conversations with Your Child
5. Also ask about life-lesson and character issues: "Any thoughts on what you've learned in practice this
week that might help you with other parts of your life?" Even if you saw the entire game, the goal is to
get your child to talk about the game the way she saw it, not for you to tell her what she could have
done better.
6. Show You Are Listening. Make it obvious to your child that you are paying attention through use of
nonverbal actions such as making eye contact as he talks, nodding your head and making "listening
noises" ("uh-huh," "hmmm," "interesting," etc.).
Listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child! Ueland again:
"Who are the people, for example, to whom you go for advice? Not to the hard, practical ones who
can tell you exactly what to do, but to the listeners; that is, the kindest, least censorious, least bossy
people that you know. It is because by pouring out your problem to them, you then know what to do
about it yourself."
7. Let Your Child Set the Terms: William Pollack, MD, author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the
Myths of Boyhood, notes that children have different "emotional schedules" that determine when they
are ready to talk about an experience. Forcing a conversation right after a competition (when there may
be a lot of emotion) is often less successful than waiting until the child gives an indication that he is ready
to talk. Boys may take longer than girls to talk about an experience, so look for prompts that a child is
ready. And conversations don't have to be lengthy to be effective. If your child wants a brief discussion,
defer to his wishes. If he feels like every discussion about sports is going to be long, he'll likely begin to
avoid them. And don't be afraid of silence. Stick with it and your child will open up to you.
8. Connect through activity. Sometimes the best way to spark a conversation is through an activity that your
child enjoys. Playing a board game or putting a puzzle together can allow space for a child to volunteer
thoughts and feelings about the game and how he performed. This is especially important for boys, who
often resist a direct adult-style of conversation.
9. Enjoy: The most important reason why you should listen to your child with a tell-me-more attitude: Because
then she will want to talk to you, and as she (and you) get older, you will find there is no greater gift than a
child who enjoys conversations with you.